For the Hubbys

I recently had a new dad comment on one of my posts.  Its so wonderful to see men taking an interest into what their spouse is going through during (and after) pregnancy.  So, this one is for you.

After nine long months of anticipation, patience, foot rubs, patience, late night journeys to the store to settle those weird cravings, and oh did I mention patience, your bundle of joy finally arrives.  And now the test for your patience really begins. 

Now, every woman is different, but my biggest challenge with my husband came after the baby arrived.  Yep, you guessed it, problems in the bedroom.  For the first few months, we kept the baby in our bedroom in her bassinet, that way we were right there for late night feedings, singing, rocking, and walking every few hours when she needed comfort.  The rule of thumb: sleep when the baby sleeps.  Its no joke.  If you don't try to get your wife to nap when the baby naps (especially if she is breastfeeding) then she will not get any sleep.  No sleep means cranky, on steroids, times four. 

Because of the lack of sleep, and the learning curve of being a new mother, all focus was on the baby.  When she finally graduated to the crib, my husband spoke up about being neglected.  My response, a slap to the forehead (my forehead of course).  I started trying to give him the "attention" that he needed (me too as it was always a good stress reliever for me) and found that everything had changed.  And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING!  Luckily I ended up having a c-section.  But even with that, it was still different.

First off, I was never in the mood.  Never.  I was all about the baby.  I was Mommy.  Mommy is food (I breast fed).  Those wonderful boobs that he loved to play with were a food source, and therefore were off limits.  Mommy is the changer of diapers, the lullaby singing woman who jumps at every noise just to make sure the baby is okay.  Mommy is not sexy.  At least, that is how I felt.

Second, everything felt different.  Not only did it take a while for my body to get in the mood, but once there it felt, well, different.  Sometimes it would hurt a little, others it would be fine.  But it would take me a looooooong time to "finish".  And when I finally would, it was different than it was before the baby.  Like I said, everything was different.  It might feel different to you too (especially if your wife had a natural birth).  We had to relearn everything!  What used to work in the past, no longer worked.  What used to feel good, didn't anymore.

I would try so hard to make it happen.  In my mind I wanted to have sex, but my body wouldn't cooperate.  It was so frustrating!  Know that you aren't the only one who is frustrated.  In the end, and after many long conversations trying to get him to understand, we compromised.  It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to him.  It wasn't that I didn't love him anymore.  I was just in what I call "Mommy Mode".  Mommy doesn't feel sexy.  So it takes some work to get back into "Wife Mode".

So Hubbys, if you are going through the same thing and you are feeling neglected by your wife, please be patient.  This too shall pass.  She still loves you.  She still wants you.  She still needs you.  And if she needs to be reminded of that, speak up!  Sure she might bite your head off and feed it to the crocodiles (only a slight exaggeration), but communication is SO SO SO important in a relationship.  She might not even realize that you are being neglected.  She might be stuck in "Mommy Mode".

What worked for me to overcome this rut and switch over to "Wife Mode"?  I am so glad you asked!  After the baby's evening meal, when I put her to bed and she finally went to sleep, I would go take a shower.  I nice long hot shower!  Alone.  This is very important.  I would use the hot water to wash away "Mommy".  When finished, I would get dressed.  Also, very important.  Didn't matter what, could be jeans and a t-shirt, or a lacy something or other (none of mine fit anymore so it was usually jeans and a t-shirt for me).  Then I would go find my hubby.  We would sit and talk for a bit, sometimes about the baby, sometimes about other things, or we would watch tv for a while and snuggle.  Then, presto, my body finally catches up to my mind and he gets attacked.  Granted, foreplay became very important as my body was no longer ready with the snap of my fingers, but we still made it work.  Quickies became the norm, because you never knew when the baby would cry.  And once that cry came over the baby monitor, "Mommy Mode" was back in full swing.

It can be tough to deal with sometimes.  But trust me, the first time your bundle of joy laughs, says "Da-da", reaches for you, gives you a kiss....it makes it all worth it.  So be patient and know that everything will be okay.  Oh, and give your wife LOTS of back and foot rubs!  It can sometimes be a great beginning to some "attention". 

I hope this post was helpful to you.  If you have any questions, I would be happy to help you delve into the great unknown: the woman's psyche!